The Force of Kindness

[00:00:01] Speaker A: Start your week smiling with your friends. Kathy's aunt and Michelle Frechette. It's time to get ready for some weekly motivation with WP motivate. Happy Thursday, Cathy. [00:00:16] Speaker B: Happy Thursday. Going into a holiday weekend. [00:00:19] Speaker A: Woo hoo. I have guests coming. Well, a guest coming from Sunday to Wednesday, Nyesha Green is coming. She's bringing her camera. And we're gonna go out and do some photography together and get. Get garbage plates that if you are from Rochester or ever been to Rochester, garbage plate means something to you. If not, Google is your friend. [00:00:39] Speaker B: Awesome. That sounds like so much fun. [00:00:41] Speaker A: Yeah. Hopefully it will be. Yeah. Might even go to. We have a. We have a memorial day parade in Hilton. Every memorial day. At least I assume they'll have it this year. And it ends at our gazebo. And then the dignitaries say nice things about, you know, those that have been lost and, uh, wars foreign and domestic or whatever. They say that. And then our marching band plays. I used to be in the marching band a million years ago, and I remember, like, standing there in the heat. Be kind of fun to take some pictures of that, too. So we'll see. I don't know. And then they provide hot dogs for the community. So if you want a hot dog and a water bottle, you go to the community thing. [00:01:21] Speaker B: Awesome. That sounds so much fun. Yeah. [00:01:23] Speaker A: Do you have plans? [00:01:26] Speaker B: No. [00:01:27] Speaker A: Good for you. I had no plans last weekend, and it was beautiful. Oh, you have to tell me later. Oh, I wanted to talk about. Go ahead. Sorry. [00:01:40] Speaker B: No, I got nothing. [00:01:42] Speaker A: Okay. [00:01:42] Speaker B: And my Internet. And my Internet connection is unstable, or so I'm being told. So if I'm flaking. [00:01:49] Speaker A: If you're flaking, I'll just. I'll just cover. I'll start singing or something. I don't know. So we have a fan. We have a superfan. Mike is our superfan. And now I know that every time we mention him, he, like, we make his day, we make his week, whatever. I want to play into that as much as possible. And so I know that I'm older than a lot of other people, and I am still young enough that this was not my thing. I only, like I mentioned things that happened in the twenties. I promise you, I was not alive in 1920, but Jimmy Durante used to say, good night, misses Calabash, wherever you are. And so. And I think that was one of his teachers in high school or something. So I messaged you last night. I'm like, I think Mike is our. Misses Calabash. I think we have to mention him now. Every episode like, okay. Hi, Mike, wherever you are. [00:02:34] Speaker B: Hi, Mike, wherever you are. We'll see you on Twitter. We'd like to know what you think about this episode. [00:02:41] Speaker A: Give us your feedback, sir. But speaking of Twitter, you put a tweet out this morning that I really liked, and it really resonated well with me. You said, somewhere in the world, a stranger remembers you because you were kind to them. And I thought that was really, really nice. And you've got a lot of people that have kind of commented on that, too, which is super sweet. Like Dave Denn said, I get a really warm feeling in my heart when I see random comments on my YouTube videos that say, simply, thank you. That's motivation enough to carry on. And I commented, and actually, I commented, and then I sat here at my desk crying, because even though it was 1988 that this happened, and I'm so many years beyond 1988, I remember being at my grandmother's funeral. I was a freshman in college, and freshman or sophomore? Gosh, I can't remember now. I started. Yeah. So, I was a freshman in college, and my grandmother passed away. And I was sitting at the funeral, and I was kind of in the hallway. Everybody was kind of in at, you know, the viewing hours or calling hours, and I was just kind of crying. And a woman came and sat down beside me and just sat with me. And I didn't get her name. She didn't say, oh, it'll be okay, or any of those platitudes. She just sat with me. And then when I had pulled myself together, she patted my hand and got up and walked away. And I've never forgotten the kindness of that stranger. And I was, what, 18 going on 1919? Going on 20, something like that. And I remember thinking, I should go on 20. I can't. Math. I remember thinking after that, in the moment, I was so in my grief. Right. But I remember thinking after that, that you don't have to know somebody to have an impact with your presence. I don't think I called it kindness at the time, but, like. But with your kindness. And I've talked over the years about the random acts of kindness, but that intentional acts of kindness are even better. And that woman, it was random that she came across me, but she intentionally was kind to me there. [00:04:44] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:04:44] Speaker A: And so, yeah, so your. Your tweet just kind of really resonated, and I appreciate it. I think I saw it. Like, I saw it. I was like, nobody's commented on that. I was like, oh, she posted it 11 seconds ago. Well, let me hop right in. [00:04:55] Speaker B: There. [00:04:58] Speaker A: It was very, very sweet. [00:05:02] Speaker B: Yeah. And Angela Bowman, do you see her comment that I think she just wrote it recently, an Uber driver in St. Louis. You. I think she, I think you have left a trail of strangers throughout the world remembering your kindness to them, which. Yep. I believe it. Your force of kindness. That's the title of this episode, the force of kindness. And, oh, that works. You have to watch the episode to get that. Michelle is the force of kindness. [00:05:37] Speaker A: So I actually bookmarked that. Let me see if I can find. That was, I think, one of the very first things I ever bookmarked. November 3, 2019 Sheep Angela boasted, I chat up her uber driver and ask her if the people in our conference were nice. She says, oh, yes, I made a new friend named Michelle from Rochester. She gave me a gift in her card and told me to contact her when I visit. That just made me laugh because I remember the conversation. I remember the woman. Yeah. She lived in St. Louis, but her husband was working in the hospital here as a doctor. And so I was like, what would you contact me afterwards? But nice to know I made an impression. [00:06:19] Speaker B: You make a lot of impressions. You do good for the world. [00:06:22] Speaker A: Thank you. I think we all do. Right? So I was talking to somebody the other day, and I mentioned a different name, and they thought I was meaning you. And then they said, I said, no, that person never said that. And I couldn't remember what they're talking about. And they pulled up your. Your profile, and I said, oh, that's my friend Cathy. Yes, of course. She's awesome. Yes. So you just never know. But it reminded me. It reminded me of this thing called the paradoxical commandments. There are ten of them. I don't know that we have to read them all, but let me give an idea. This is by a man named Kent Keith, and he penned this back in the sixties, 1968, in a pamphlet titled the silent, dynamic leadership of the student council. He was working at a college. Excuse me, but it starts out with, people are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered. Forgive them anyway. [00:07:12] Speaker B: You think, okay, you know. [00:07:14] Speaker A: Right. Oh, interrupt it, Will. I love it. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. Which is very true. I get accused of that, believe it or not. I do get accused of that. By the community. Yep. But I'm just in it for myself. I don't. I. I don't think I am. Maybe other people do, but I try to do the. [00:07:36] Speaker B: Let me, Adam. I've been working out. Let me, Adam. [00:07:43] Speaker A: Here's another one. If you are successful, you win. False friends and true enemies succeed anyway. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Not always. We know that for a fact. It's not always forgotten. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway. The biggest men with the biggest ideas, can we replace that with people? Because this was written in the sixties. The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest ideas think big anyway. People favor underdogs, but follow only the top dogs. Fight for the underdogs anyway. What you spend years building could be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People really need help, but may attack you if you do. Help them. Help them anyway. And give the world the best you have. And you'll get kicked in the teeth, but give the world the best you have anyway. And I just really liked that. I had remembered hearing about that. And so after I read your tweet, I went in search of that. I didn't know what it was called. I didn't know who had written it, but it's kind of like one of those mantras that it's like, I realize that sometimes people, I've said it before, I am not everybody's cup of tea. I'm okay with it because I don't need to be. I'm just still going to be who I am anyway. So. [00:09:06] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of. Gosh. Well, there's two things that pop into my mind as you read all of those. The first was, you know, being raised Catholic, I start thinking about, like, the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi, about, you know, lord, make me an instrument of your peace that, like, there's gonna be b's in this world. Just get out there and be the good. Be the good one. You know, be a force for good. And no matter what the external circumstances are showing you. And then there's this whole. This thing that's been going around social media about, let them, you know, if someone disappoints your expectations, let them. I've had to do a lot of that. Letting go, dealing with my family members, a teenager and a stroke patient. Just let them. Just let them still figure it out, right? Because just the attachment to expectations of other people, they're going to disappoint you, they're going to let you down. And I think all of this and why it resonates is because it's a message to us to live our truth. Because in reality, the external doesn't matter what you do. Are you congruent with your integrity and who you are. And what story are you telling yourself about the external. Right. Because sometimes people are unkind, but what are they going through? Right. Everybody's going through something. What story is most useful to you about whatever they're going through? And it's like, really, I think what I get from all of it is just prioritizing your integrity and prioritizing your mental health above all else. And if you have to tell yourself a lie about what other people are doing, lie to yourself if you have to, you know, frame it in a way where it just doesn't matter. Because really, when all is said and done, you know, the external isn't going to matter, but your integrity and staying true to who you are is all that matters. [00:11:20] Speaker A: Yeah, I agree with that 100%. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to lay down your head on your pillow with the thoughts that are in your mind. And so being true to yourself, obviously not intentionally hurting others. Right. Because that's not necessarily true to yourself, either. Being true to yourself is important because you can sleep a lot easier when you have been who, you know, who you are at the core and. Yeah, to figure that out. Who we are. [00:11:53] Speaker B: But, yeah, like a lifetime a who you are. [00:11:57] Speaker A: Yeah, we change. We're not. We are not infants for our entire life. [00:12:02] Speaker B: So, yeah, I was listening to this podcast the other day, and the guy was talking about how who you really are at your core is pure. Who you really are is the blue sky without any clouds. And the clouds come in, and sometimes rainstorms come in, but the blue sky, the sky, the integrity of what is is always there, no matter what might come to block it. And I've just been sitting with that of just like, when, you know, I've had some challenges this week, and when those challenges have happened, it's like I just. Blue skies. Blue skies. I'm just, like, resonating to, like, being in. Being in integrity of, like, who am I really, that this is? You know, these are all just passing events, right? Everything that you're soaking in right now that seems like a negative or seems like a judgment or seems like, you know, a lot of cleanups. Or a lot of cleanups. Oh, geez, Michelle, did I tell you I had a lot of cleanups? [00:13:04] Speaker A: You may have mentioned it not only, like, metaphorical, but also physical. So, yes. [00:13:09] Speaker B: Yes, you did. [00:13:13] Speaker A: When you said. When you said the let them part, it also reminded me that we're not here to fix other people. Right. Like, people ask my advice. I am so happy to give it. But if people are talking to me and they don't want my advice, I'm not going to give advice. Right. Because unless, of course, if somebody's in danger, I mean, there's always the outliers. I'm not talking about that. But it reminds me to, in conversations, you listen to hear, not listen to reply, and listen to respond and listen to fix. And as a mom, it took me a while to understand that my daughter had reached adulthood and that I only offer advice when she asks me for it. And so now when she comes to me with an issue, I will ask her, would you like me to listen only, or are you looking for inputs and advice as well? Because sometimes she just needs a safe space to vent, and sometimes she needs me to tell her my thoughts so that it can help her guide her to the right decision. Whether mine are right, my answer is right or wrong, it'll help her in the thought process. And I'm not saying that I'm always right because trust me, I'm not. [00:14:29] Speaker B: But. [00:14:29] Speaker A: But letting them is also listening without, I mean, without judgment as much as we can. We're human beings and we always have judgment in our heads. Right. But there's judgment as an assessment, and then there's judgment as in what's the right word? Like, when you're just like, not vindication, but like that kind of like negativity. There's. So there's judgment without negativity, and there's judgment that's entirely centered on negativity. Right. [00:14:59] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. So discernment. [00:15:03] Speaker A: Discernment. [00:15:03] Speaker B: Very important to have discernment. Yeah. Like, it's been hard because I know by every stretch of any imagination, doing the physical therapy exercises every day is in my husband's best interest. It's in my best interest. But he doesn't want to do them, so it becomes a fight. [00:15:28] Speaker A: Yep. Yep. [00:15:30] Speaker B: Where do you. And you know it's in. Let them. I'm just going to let him, you know, I don't know what brick wall he has to hit in order to find his motivation, but I am in. Let him phase with that, a lot of that. With the teenager, too, where it's just like, we'll see how this goes. Hey, did I tell you it's less than 800 days today? [00:15:57] Speaker A: Oh, but I love that. I love it. It's funny. [00:16:03] Speaker B: Less than 800 days until she turns 18 and she's like, you make me feel bad when you say that. And I'm just like, I'm just, Claire, you could make. [00:16:12] Speaker A: You could make it so that I feel. I feel bad about it being less than 800 days. Or you can make me glad that it's less than 800 days falls in your court, Claire. [00:16:21] Speaker B: It kind of is. And part of me is, like, super sad that it's like that, but, you know, did I ever tell you when. [00:16:32] Speaker A: My daughter turned nine, I had a bit of a meltdown? Like, obviously, I don't have full blown, like, put me in, you know, an institution kind of thing, but I. I had to cry because I was like, I've had her half of the time. She's going to be home with me. She's going to turn it. No joke was on me. She was home till she was 22. I could have waited another three years to have my little meltdown, but I, but I remember at nine years old thinking, she's been home half as long as she's going before she goes out into the world as her own person. And I remember thinking, I got to make the most of all this time. But then there comes a point where you're like, are you leaving soon? Because this isn't working anymore. I looked back when she did move out at 22 and she moved to Buffalo. I was like, oh, I didn't want this to happen. And yet I was ready for this to happen, you know? [00:17:24] Speaker B: So, yeah, see, my son, he's been gone. He's been gone for a few years now. And I was not ready for that. He left before I was ready because I still would like him. Maybe not back in the house. I don't think he would like that. [00:17:41] Speaker A: But nearby. [00:17:42] Speaker B: Closer. Closer, yeah. [00:17:45] Speaker A: Lydia's about a 90 minutes drive. She's 70 miles away. And so we have no, we have to intentionally visit each other. We can't just drop in. That was her decision. I'm also not the drop in kind of person, so. But she wanted some distance, and so I respect that. So when we see each other, it's because we make plans and want to see each other. But also, you know, like, when my dad passed, she was here. She caught in the car and she drove in because she could, she didn't have to book a flight. So I get it. It's nice to have them close enough to not have to make big plans to see them. So I feel that pain for you. [00:18:23] Speaker B: Yeah, it's tough. But he called. The good thing is, like, he has, on Saturdays, he helps a friend of his out with some stuff. And so he has a drive, and so he calls me on the way back. So we end up having a long talk every Saturday night. That's my, that's my date for now. I'm sure some days, you know, it'll be a woman that talk to instead of mom. But right now, I am going to soak all of that up because, yeah, I've got good kids. I've been very, very blessed. It's just, I have to let them. And that's the other thing is, like, he and I were just talking about him moving, moving up to Minnesota and how it was hard, it was for me, and I had to go through the. Let them. Let him. He has to do this for some reason, and it's beyond my understanding. So, like, really letting go and letting it be, it's a very healthy way to be, I guess. [00:19:18] Speaker A: Absolutely. That's what I've heard. It's not always easy. And it's the let them comes in, too, because, like, when Lydia came to me and told me that she and John don't want to have children, like, they want to be child free, I grieved that a little bit. Like, I literally, like, not to her face. I said, oh, okay, well, you do. You. I will support you in whatever your decisions are, but I grieved not being a grandmother because she's my only child, you know? So, like, I grieved that a little bit and came to terms with it, and I'm perfectly fine with it now. I really am. Like, hey, I'm not spending money on grandchildren. Like, it's not a bad thing. And I get to spend time with my daughter without her being distracted by, you know, children running around and all those things. Not that children aren't a blessing and all those things, but if you don't want them, then they aren't a blessing to you. And so I support her and, you know, and didn't try to dissuade her, and I've never even before she told me that. I never went to her and said, so when are you guys gonna have kids? Because it's not my business. Like, I'm. She is an adult person, and I'm only allowed the information that she wants to share with me, and that's okay. And that's where, you know, the let them is a healthy thing for sure. I can appreciate that. I can appreciate that you keep freezing. I know you're having problems with your Internet. You probably are not hearing me when you freeze up. [00:20:42] Speaker B: I am hearing you. Yeah, but it freezes every bit. I think it's, can I blame the teenager and say she's probably playing some video game upstairs. That's what it's going to be like all summer long for me. All summer long. So yeah, wish me luck. 799 days worth of luck to quote. [00:21:01] Speaker A: A off quoted movie. May the odds be ever in your favor. [00:21:07] Speaker B: Indeed. [00:21:08] Speaker A: I love it. [00:21:09] Speaker B: Well, whoever volunteered as tribute. [00:21:14] Speaker A: Exactly like let me in the game, coach. It's okay if I don't come out. Whoever's listening, wherever you are, wherever you are in your journey, whatever frustrations and successes and everything else you are experiencing, take a deep breath. Let the things happen that have to happen. Lean into the good things. Succeed anyway. Persevere anyway. Build anyway. All of those things. We'll put a link to that paradox of commandments, paradoxical commandments in the show notes. So if you want to read them again, you will have access to them. But thank you for hanging in there with us and good night, mister Hindle, wherever you are. [00:21:59] Speaker B: Good night, Mike. Bye bye everyone else. [00:22:04] Speaker A: Bye. This has been WP motivate with Kathy Zant and Michelle freshette. To learn more or to sponsor us, go to wpmotivate.com.